When I started to be involved in this practice, I was fascinated by the positive psychological effects that BDSM and FLR (Female Led Relationship) had on me. For you, it is hard to believe and it sounds too good to be true, am I correct? Then you just need to try it yourself and see what happens!
Here, I would like to share my knowledge, experience, and thoughts with you.
For me the psychological impacts and effects of BDSM and FLR were substantial. After a full life of “vanilla” relationships, I finally understood that my real nature was completely different from what it had been till then. In one of my other posts, you can find my full story about how it started for me.
My role wasn’t “submissive” as I was convinced to be, and as all my previous partners made me think to be. I was feeling much better and more comfortable on the other side, therefore I could start to think that my role was “dominant” or “mistress” or “femdom”. I loved the idea to be in control and to be the one with the power within the couple.
I just would like to mention that this has nothing to do with the release of “50 Shades of Grey”, as in my case the switch was authentic, not fiction. You can read the BDSM community reaction after this trilogy has been released.
My new mindset
This new mindset helped me to increase my inner energy and my mind became deeply creative when talking about sex, led relationship (FLR), couple.
I became emotionally stronger than before and more determined in everything I decided to undertake. I was curious to understand this practice as much as possible, and I wanted to be in a femdom relationship in my daily life. This lifestyle called “24/7 FLR” was fascinating for myself, as this was exactly what I wanted.
I felt I could be totally free and express myself without fear of judgment: no barriers, no censure, no worries, no nothing.
My attitude within the couple totally changed, it became more dominant, day after day. I tried to take more decisions, responsibilities, initiative and be less compliant. In the meantime, I turned to be more introspective and started to deeply explore myself, my feelings, my thoughts: was this desire to sexually dominate someone right or wrong? What would my partner think of me, and would he accept a FLR lifestyle? How can I explain to him my domination desires and involve him in this wonderful trip with me, his mistress?
The best way I found to answer my questions, was to read BDSM blogs, forums, articles; other people’s experiences helped me to better understand that there was nothing wrong with me! To be dominant or have an FLR is not bad, and BDSM is not violent. On the contrary, I discovered that it is actually a practice that brings many positive outcomes (later I will explain it a bit more into detail)!
After a lot of reading, I was secure and ready to take care of another person: my partner.
I prepared a long talk, very deep, explicit and involving. That evening I was so anxious and afraid to lose him. But it ended up being very arousing and we were both super excited about the idea. We discussed our fears, our desires and we agreed that it was worth it. Our FLR, female led relationship, started then.
Again, I would like to underline that you don’t have to be scared about what you feel, and don’t be afraid to express your feelings to whom you love. Clear and transparent communication is basic if you want to practice BDSM. If your partner is not willing to be part of it, then respect his choice. We are all different.
I loved FLR and I understood that this was also very important for my personal growth: it really helped me to increase my self-esteem and I felt more and more self-confident. I also read a blog saying that BDSM can slightly improve signs of depression.
Even from a sexual perspective, I noticed I was more aroused and looking forward to the next BDSM session. I wanted to be the leader: the one who holds the reins, who dominates, I felt more sensual and desiring to be worshiped by my partner. I loved to hold a whip in my hands and see his excited eyes looking at me. This mix of love and pain, anxiety and relief is fascinating and involving. I would never stop feeling that way!
The benefits of BDSM and FLR
I’m not going to pretend to know and to teach you all about the psychological details behind BDSM and FLR, but I will try to tell you the basics according to my experience and what I read about this topic.
Often wrongly considered by “vanilla” people as a cruel sexual practice, BDSM, in fact, is quite healthy “lifestyle” and interaction between 2 individuals. A bit more in details, you can consider it as:
- a mindset, a community: you can be anything you would like it to be without social boundaries or judgments. You are free to be yourself!
- more sensual and mental instead of painful. Sometimes it is all about psychological interaction (verbal humiliation, dominance, supremacy, etc.) and does not involve physical contact.
- about care, love, responsibility, intelligence, wisdom and not about abuse or weakness. Both partners fully respect each other, maintaining their roles.
- a safe and consensual power exchange within the couple, based on trust.
- a magic mix of dopamine and serotonin which bring you a positive feeling of tranquility, happiness, self-confidence, fulfilled desires, etc.
Despite what Freud would diagnose (e.g.: every person involved in BDSM needs a psychological treatment), it is well-known that BDSM practitioners feel well and are more open to new, extroverted, and sometimes extreme sexual experiences. FLR is part of it, a 24/7 lifestyle where the female leads the relationship.
There are 3 main, “traditional” and self-explanatory roles in this practice for both man and woman: dominant, submissive and switch.
- dominant (or top, d-type) – gives control
- submissive (or bottom, s-type) – accepts control
- switch (or top & bottom) – gives or accepts control
Each role (with all its variations e.g.: mistress, domme, dom, daddy, etc), according to your preference and nature, will bring you a feeling of happiness in addition to mental health benefits.
The psychology of BDSM and FLR
Psychologically speaking, the main benefits I could enjoy with BDSM and FLR are:
- I explore myself both sexually and personally as I can finally be whoever I want in my relationship.
- stress and anxiety are not part of my life as BDSM activity involve me totally, during the sessions I can’t think of anything else but what
- I am doing.
- I can be different from who I am in my everyday life: alpha people can become submissive, and vice versa. They will consequently feel mentally positive, satisfied, peaceful and with a sense of achievement.
- I can turn pain into harassment as my brain releases endorphins and the whole act will take a highly pleasant and erotic shade.
- I, as a dominant, experience power exchange by interacting with my submissive who completely surrender to me. I feel supreme and worshiped: a real femdom.
- I and my partner can have an intense, deep and free communication about our desires: this helps the couple to grow within BDSM practices.
- In FLR, as a dominant, I will take control, take care of the submissive and be responsible for the whole game’s safety. Don’t forget that your sub is totally under your dominance, you need determination but be careful!
- I and my partner will increase the intimacy and fidelity as this practice involves a high level of trust during an altered state of consciousness. Out intimate relationship definitely improved.
The role of pain
Last but not least, you need to know that the popular interpretation that maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain makes you happier is not completely true… here I put a good word for BDSM.
There are studies that show it. You can also test it on yourself: after you feel pain, it enhances your pleasure 10 times more and you connect with the world. Pain keeps you attentive and awake. We all need the pain to provide a positive conflict with pleasure. Without these contrasts, life can be boring and predictable. This happens with BDSM, too. For more information, you can refer to this article about BDSM Neurobiology.
To better clarify this concept, I will refer to the “sport” as an example. When I go to the gym and I do the extra mile, I feel 10 times more satisfied and euphoric than when I comfortably train without much effort. It is hard to push your limits, but the result is worth it!
Studies found out that pain increases happiness and pleasure, and it decreases sadness and anxiety. This is applicable also to BDSM.
If you and your partner/sub understand pain, the experience has a positive result and is beneficial to you, him and the relationship. Of course, pain is not purely physical but can also be psychological.
Of course, every individual has its own perception and idea about BDSM activities. It is a huge world, therefore there isn’t a universal definition of this practice’s benefits or limits. They are tailor-made for yourself.
You will certainly find thousands of other BDSM outcomes that make you feel good!
It is challenging, amazing and arousing to undertake a serious 24/7 FLR lifestyle. You must read and experiment a lot.
I underline it again: one of the most important things is to communicate and to respect each other.